It has taken me some time to write this entry because I really didn’t know how to put it down in writing. This would be the last birth I attended in the Philippines and this birth made the biggest impression on me. God showed me many things through this experience and I want to share a few of them with you. So, here goes and if just one of you reading this understands it, just know that God touched my heart also. I have changed the name of the mother due to privacy.

Prior to leaving the Philippines…

We got the page that Lyn was in labor. It was her first time to deliver so we knew that it could be a long labor. We packed our bags and made it down the stairs to be picked up. We knew this woman because she had been to some of the prenatal classes. I read her chart during one of these visits and it had a note that she was considering placing her baby up for adoption and that her mother was considering adopting the baby. It was hard not to ask what was going on, but when she came to deliver her baby at the clinic, she had her mother with her and I got a glimpse on the life of Lyn.

When Ruth and I arrived, we were met outside by the director of our school who is also a midwife. She updated us on Lyn’s progress as well of how her and her mom had been interacting. It was obvious that Lyn wasn’t comfortable with her mother there, but she was so we prepared ourselves through prayer for what may lie ahead. As Lyn’s labor intensified, we used some of the comfort techniques we had learned in class. Ruth in particular does great at this and stayed by Lyn’s side. I helped some in this area and I also helped to get some supplies ready for when the baby would come. During all of this, I couldn’t help but notice the mother of Lyn seemed to be fixated on waiting for the baby rather than putting some energy into comforting her daughter. It came the time when Lyn felt she needed to push and since she was on the birthing stool, we positioned her for the baby to come. I tried to get into my position, but the mother of Lyn had crouched down almost in front of Lyn as if she was going to catch the baby herself. She placed her hand on Lyn’s knee and Lyn peeled it off of her. You could just feel the tension in the room and how Lyn didn’t want her near. Lyn didn’t want her mother there, yet there she was pushing Lyn’s legs together when they needed to be apart, pushing on Lyn’s stomach when Lyn’s body would do the necessary pushing, etc. Mrs. Vicky repositioned Lyn so that Lyn’s mom couldn’t wedge through the space to be directly in front of Lyn and so her mother had to remain at Lyn’s side instead of in front of her. Ruth was behind Lyn giving her back support, I was at her side holding her hand joining Ruth in encouraging her through words and touch, and Mrs. Vicky was at Lyn’s feet ready to catch the baby. The baby started coming, making its decent and came into this world. A sharp cry and we moved around so that we could get mother and child together. We covered the baby completely and worked to get Lyn’s mother out of Lyn’s space so she could have the first minutes herself with her own baby. Lyn’s mother was crowding in like it was already her own baby when Lyn hadn’t fully made up her mind. We finally got Lyn’s mom to an adjoining room saying that mother and child needed time alone. We all gathered in the same room, all except Vicky. Lyn’s mother wouldn’t look at any of us in the eye and finally opened up and talked to Mildred one of the local midwives. I sat at the feet of the mother pretending to listen but because I didn’t understand their language, I just sat there praying for Lyn, her new child, and also Lyn’s mother who was in front of me. After spending some time with Lyn’s mother, it seemed she had some type of mental disability and lack of ability to connect with her daughter. Her child, Lyn lay in the other room, and yet this mother was incapable of giving her child what she needed: love, support, encouragement. Through translation from Lyn’s mother, through Lyn’s history herself, and just through observation, one could tell there was a huge gap between what Lyn needed and what Lyn had received in her life from her mother. As we pieced all of what we had learned through the weeks with Lyn, we knew that she had gotten pregnant outside of marriage. We also know that this had caused shame on her and her family and that Lyn was preparing herself of giving her baby up for adoption because of this. This shame was something that weighed heavily on Lyn and almost always she seemed to carry this with her and her body just seemed to reflect how downcast she felt with this burden. We continue to talk with Lyn’s mother while Vicky talked with Lyn. We had the goal of distracting Lyn’s mother and Mrs. Vicky had the goal of just encouraging Lyn and finding out what she really wanted to do with her baby without the pressure of her mother.

Lyn’s baby was placed at her side, but she didn’t make a move to touch it. It was as if she didn’t want it to be real and she didn’t want to make that connection. I did get permission from Lyn to take a picture of her and her baby and I caught one where she was just looking down at her baby yet her face was such in doubt and detachment. It was if Lyn was in the middle of something so difficult…as if she was saying to herself, I have this shame with having this child outside of marriage and this shame can follow me into the rest of my life. Can I get rid of it by giving this baby to someone else so I don’t have to carry this shame with me forever? Lyn finally made the decision to give her child to her mother. We then came and took the child into the next room to do the newborn exam and when we finished, Ruth, Vicky, Sam, and I gathered near the baby and prayed for it, tears coming down our faces. We were at a loss for what the possible future of this child may be (it is rumored that older relatives can take in a child and use the child as their personal servant) and how she would miss growing up not knowing her mother was right there in the same family. We didn’t know what the future held for this baby girl, but for one moment in its life, she had been surrounded by love, God’s all powerful, all accepting love. We gave the child back to Lyn and went home for the night while Lyn and her mother slept at the clinic. I know we were all praying during that night for Lyn and her baby girl.

The next morning, we returned to discharge Lyn. Lyn told us she had tried breastfeeding her baby, but the baby hadn’t latched on completely yet. We had hoped that Lyn would want to breastfeed and that maybe a bond could be made during the times of feeding when mother and baby are face to face, skin to skin. We encouraged Lyn to continue trying. We gave instructions for check-up over the next couple of days and weeks and we hoped this would buy Lyn some time with her child because Lyn’s mother seemed eager to get the child to the other island where she lived away from Lyn. We were concerned because Lyn’s mother wanted to feed the baby powdered milk instead of formula and this isn’t formulated to sustain a newborn baby. It would definitely be cheaper, but it wouldn’t give the baby what she needed. We filled out the papers for the birth certificate. When asked of what Lyn wanted to call her baby, Lyn’s mother interrupted and called out a name. Lyn was obviously embarrassed and didn’t agree on the name, but whenever Lyn opened her mouth to talk, her mother’s voice came in louder and over an over she repeated what the child’s name should be. We asked about the father’s name but there was only silence. Lyn said he was “gone like the wind”. We left that space blank. We learned the father of the baby is a foreigner and this wasn’t the first baby we saw born that had a father as a foreigner who wasn’t present and possibly didn’t know about the pregnancy. Many foreigners pass through the island and because many of the people are poor there, they readily accept someone treating them well. The sad thing is that many of the women become pregnant and are left to have abortions or become single moms. Thankfully, Lyn had decided against an abortion.

Lyn dressed her baby and we gathered her things. Lyn’s mother was so preoccupied with the baby in Lyn’s arms that I kept asking myself: “What about Lyn?” They loaded up in the ambulance and Sam took them to where Lyn lived on the island not far from the clinic. Lyn’s mother would be staying a few weeks and then would return to the other island with her grandchild. What would happen with the child and what would happen with Lyn?

This experience is one that touched me so deep that is was hard to keep my mouth closed and sit back and put it all in God’s hands. What touched me most was how people use shame to hurt people, especially people that are family and should be instead sharing unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance, and encouragement. What does shame do? People use it to control and manipulate others, somehow feeling they are bringing some type of justice to the situation. I looked at Lyn’s mother and felt sorry for her. How she missed out just forgiving her daughter and accepting her into loving arms. The cost was losing the connection that a mother and daughter should have. I know many people, including myself and people we have serve with in the mission field who have felt repeated shame and rejection (through words that attack character and also through silence) whenever someone in the family is unable to forgive. I pray for people who send me prayer requests and many of them encompass shame, rejection, and guilt. God gives us directions when it comes to unconditional love and forgiveness. He also gives us instructions on when we feel wronged on who should be in charge of justice. Brothers and sisters, we will inevitably make mistakes, face disappointment in others, and feel that we need to have our hand in bringing justice to the situation. What God calls us to do is not to bring justice, but bring love, forgiveness, and reconciliation to the relationship. Many times our emotions and pride gets in the way of doing these things. If you are in the offense, just know that the true judge is God and go in front of Him with what you have done. He wants you to ask forgiveness from Him and others, but if the person you ask for forgiveness offers further rejection and shame, wash your hands at this and turn to the Father which truly forgives and washes you from your error. Pray for the people who are unable to forgive because they often lead an isolated life after they have pushed so many people away. You don’t have to pay the same debt over and over like others sometimes want you to do. Forgiveness, a gift from God. I want to reflect this gift more and in my relationships especially with the children we are praying about having one day. I want them to be able to come to me when they make a mistake and know that while I can express disappointment, I will ultimately express unconditional love and acceptance. I believe on of the greatest gifts from a parent is this love an acceptance so that when the world around them seems to be spiraling, they have the loving hand of a parent that can stop the spinning and be a place of refuge and example. For all our friends who have shown this example to me through their love, forgiveness, and acceptance of their children no matter what the circumstance, you have the greatest reward…your continued relationship with you child and the awesome example you have set and how you have reflected Christ’s character. Thank you for your example as parents and thank you God for putting it down in writing what you expect from us so there is no question.